A Facebook friend posted an article the other day stating that women criticize themselves an average of eight times a day. I guess that statistic does not really surprise me. Does it surprise you?
Negative thoughts, we all have them. Some are so automatic that we just accept them without even stopping to consider if they are 100% true. I often find myself doing more negative thinking when I’m more stressed or life is full of difficult situations.
Some negative thoughts could be cognitive distortions, which are irrational thoughts that influence your emotions. To help you increase your awareness of your thinking patterns, which could be leading to more self-defeating behavior, depression, stress, sadness or lack of motivation, I will define a few cognitive distortions here. You may find that your self-criticism is made up of thinking that is not totally true even if it feels like it is true.
- Discounting the Positive: This thinking dwells on the negative and basically discounts or ignores the positives. Instead of being able to give yourself some credit for the many things you do well as a parent, you focus solely on the negative such as the times you lost your temper or failed to make it to a school event or were late to pick up your child. You don’t remember all the times you have juggled all the parenting duties for which you are responsible.
- Should Statements: the belief that things should be a certain way. ‘I should always look my best’ or ‘I should have a clean house’ or “I shouldn’t be so angry’. Should’s are rigid rules that can be unrealistic and cause us to be overly critical of ourselves. Who says you should have a clean house? Most likely it’s you making such rules for yourself.
- Emotional Reasoning: Assuming because we feel a certain way, it must be true. I feel unattractive, so I must be. I feel embarrassed so I must have made an idiot out of myself.
- All or Nothing Thinking: Thinking in absolutes with no in between or black and white thinking. I’m either perfect or a failure. If I eat one fattening thing, then I have blown my diet. Not very many things in life are so absolute.
Do any of these sound familiar? Some of this thinking maybe a habit and feel normal. That does not mean that it’s true. And, how does this thinking help you feel the way you want to feel or be your best?
How can we decrease such negative thinking and cognitive distortions?
- Identify it and be aware that you are doing it. Catch yourself when you are being self-critical and realize you have a choice about the way you think and talk to yourself.
- Look at the evidence that this thought is not 100% true. Let yourself see some of the positives. Catch those ‘should’s’ and ask who says things should be that way? Ask yourself if there is an alternative explanation for the situation or your feelings.
- Avoid judging yourself with harsher standards than you apply to others. How would you talk to a friend? Usually we show more compassion to friends than to ourselves. How can you talk to yourself like someone you love?
Being aware is the first step. You don’t have to believe everything you think. See what happens if you add some compliments to your self-talk and give yourself some credit. I suspect you’ll find more joy and lightness in your life. If you want to learn more about cognitive distortions and would like help untwisting your thinking, contact me.